This week’s Five Songs comes from a weird and troubled place.
The short story: I dropped everything to do something a couple of days ago for someone who was in a panic. Spent a good chunk of time on it — hours I had planned to do some much-needed writing for my book — only to be told after I was done to forget it; she didn’t need it.
This was on top of doing another last-minute job recently for someone else who now apparently has flaked on me. On top of having my work hours cut to nothing, and now having to worry about how long I can ride out what truly seems to be the end of my rope this time. On top of a bunch of other people flaking out on me in recent months. On top of the 300-plus resumes I’ve sent out the past three years with nothing to show for them. This seemed like a last-straw moment.
The universe is telling me I’m not worth shit again.
And in the shower late yesterday afternoon (which is where most of my meltdowns seem to happen), I found myself screaming at God — whatever God is — and told it that if it has no use for me anymore, just fucking take me now. I mean, I got the memo about being useless back when I was 10 — I fucking get it already! Why didn’t it just kill me when I was 16 and get it the fuck over with? Why does it continue to play with me like a cat playing ping-pong paw to paw with a mouse?
In any event, whatever the universe thinks of me, I am not a piece of shit and will not be treated as one — especially by the people I allow in my life.
So that’s where this edition of Five Songs is — livid, defiant, despondent, desperate, discouraged. I just don’t know what to do with myself at this point. But otherwise, I’m fine; thanks for asking. Enjoy the weekend:
Flakes — Frank Zappa
Gimme Little Sign — Brenton Wood
I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself — Tommy Hunt
Alfie — Dionne Warwick
Stay With Me, Baby — Lorraine Ellison